As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Did you just see the Batmobile???
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
