Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
