This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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