also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize