did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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