Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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