I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
