Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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