I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
