so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
