threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
