I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
