it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize