Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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