It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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