The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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