I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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