I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
