i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Let's get the cat blown out
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
