Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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