I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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