peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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