david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
