____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
zippers are such a cool invention
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
