so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
