I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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