I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
