You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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