You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
