I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
