I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Porn is love you can see.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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