Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
