Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We left an ass print on the piano.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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