His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
