There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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