I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
