I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize