if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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