I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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