sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
