From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
