That's intense
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I still have a little drunk in my system
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
