You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
