You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
