Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Randomize
