My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
