I just saw a hot homeless man
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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