i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
