I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
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