I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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