Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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