Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
