Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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