I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
