I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
