dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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