She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize