if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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