i just wanna soil my oats bro
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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