I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
