i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
love makes seman taste better
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
